Becoming a Diet Guru the Easy Way

OK, so you’re sick of your 9 to 5, and you want to do something new! Let me guess, you love helping people. How did I know? I’m straight-up psychic. You also probably have some connection with nutrition or weight loss, regardless of how misguided it is… because you’re human. Maybe you watched your aunt Sally lose 50 pounds on the potato soup diet once, or you found that you felt better once you excluded anything crunchy from your diet – whatever the case is, keep that memory fresh and turn it into a burning desire to help others “achieve their personal best.” Write that down – “help others achieve their personal best.” Gold. So, here’s what we are going to do – we are going to turn you into a wellness guru. You have no education or clinical experience? Whatever – get over it.

Your first step is going to be to pick a random nutrient or compound found in food that doesn’t get much press. Potassium! Let’s do a quick Google session just to be sure. Potassium + Weight Loss and enter! See that? That’s the beginning of your “countless hours of research.” Look at you over there – all scientific and stuff. Ok, well the bad news is that some people have already run with this idea, like the trustworthy website. The good news is that there are no books about it YET and the idea hasn’t hit the mainstream unless you count the DASH diet, and that is way, way more clinical than you plan on getting.

Great, on to step two! Come up with a long list of nondescript physical symptoms that could be tied to any of a couple dozen health conditions. This won’t be hard to do. However, you really need to work hard at memorizing it since your whole platform is to make people believe that you once had these symptoms before you discovered the key to health and sanity. We could call it the solution, actually; yes, let’s go ahead and do that – The Potassium Solution by whoever. Now we have a working title. You are on FIRE! Let’s see: insomnia, fatigue, bloating, stomach pain, muscle aches, anxiety, and food cravings. You should also consider coming up with something entirely subjective – loss of zeal for life, self-confidence, energy, optimism, etc. “How I Changed My Life and Found Confidence and Energy with The Potassium Solution.”

Now, you’re going to BADLY misinterpret some actual science. This shouldn’t be too hard to do. You could open a book by someone who actually knows something and just read every fifth sentence. Take this sentence: “total potassium can be used to study body composition become more than 90% of the body’s potassium is found in fat-free masses.” Blahblahblah. Do you know what this must mean? OMG! Skinny people have more potassium inside of them. You might come across a major research bummer during this step, like this little nugget, “High levels of potassium can stop the heart.” It’s OK – disclaimer time: “No information or advice offered in this book should be used in place of medical advice. Always talk to your doctor before changing your eating or exercise practices.” Something like that – put it in bold print. Sometimes people get all worked up about having to source their information. This is completely unnecessary – just type out the reference for any mention of potassium that you can find in the press, whether you actually read it or not. Only a few of your references actually have to do with potassium and body weight, and you should consider paying someone to dig around and find those nuggets.

You don’t want to OVERexplain potassium – no one wants to read that. Instead, focus on creating a strict list of allowed and not allowed foods and then throw in some hardcore stuff about the detox period and how bad it’s going to suck- no pain, no gain, etc. Consider making your “intro phase” super unrealistically difficult – like seven days of nothing but tomatoes and bananas with 500 burpees every day. This is great for bonding with your readers. Walk them through how they are going to feel – “on day five, you’ll notice that your knees are itchy; this is because the body is getting rid of toxins via your cartilage to make room for the influx of potassium.” This is the part where you go heavy with the tough love. “I know that this phase sucks, but I want you to get through it so that you can feel as awesome as I do. I sincerely want everyone to enjoy life the way that I now do.” Don’t forget that people love recipes! Just steal other people’s recipes and switch out a few ingredients; nutmeg for cinnamon, Dijon mustard for miso…get creative! Include lots and lots of photos – very few people will actually prepare these foods, but everyone wants to stare at the pretty pictures.

You really need to somehow blame others. “Your doctor probably never told you about the secret powers of potassium as a weight loss miracle. This is because the government doesn’t want you to know that they line their pockets every time that you buy a low potassium food”. This makes no rational sense on MANY different levels, and that’s what you’re going for here.

Once you’re done blaming others, you need to get to work finding supporters. Ideally, you’ll find someone with a doctorate in psychology who is willing to let you stamp your book with his name. Either that, or you could just track down an exercise instructor, a holistic health coach, and a counselor. These people will help you to write about self-care, shame, mindfulness, and past traumas. You might think that potassium has nothing to do with any of these subjects, but you’re wrong. Listen, when you are subsisting on bananas and tomatoes, it is essential that you take care of yourself and meditate away the hunger pangs.

Lastly, come up with some catchy titles for articles or guest blog posts:

  • “I Ate Nothing but Tuna for Three Weeks, and This is What Happened”
  • “I Overdosed on Potassium, and it was Amazing.”
  • “Hacks for Fitting More Potassium Into Every Bite”
  • “The No BS Guide to Getting the Body of Your Dreams”
  • “The 10 Foods You Should Never Eat When You’re Going Potassigenic”

See, that really wasn’t too difficult. You might have thought your dreams of becoming a health guru were out of reach because you sell used cars for a living. This is an error in your thought process. Maybe try eating some more potassium; I hear it improves self esteem.